we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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