The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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