I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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