on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
