my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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