I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
