I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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