You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
