Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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