she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
