Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
