Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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