I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The beer is more important than you right now.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
