I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
