I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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