yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
