So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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