dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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