i think i have herpe
just one?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
