you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
