I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Acid is not a monday night drug
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
