I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
