as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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