i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Green mimosas i think yes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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