Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
