can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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