I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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