dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
