I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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