there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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