you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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