drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
