fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
