Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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