Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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