he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
