Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Please, let me fuck your mom
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
