dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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