Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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