mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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