why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
