If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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