Ambien. No doubt about it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
