The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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