I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
