the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
