I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
