I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
