guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
