so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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