He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
