mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
