Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
