I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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