Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
