you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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