I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
