Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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