I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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