woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
