I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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